In the past few days, I have asked numerous paladins of their faith. The first time they've felt the warmth of the Light.
The answers have been... less than enlightening of my own plight. Yet interesting in their own rights. Often many claim they've always felt the Light's warmth - perhaps they're lying.. or maybe they're just lucky. Blessed from birth... yeah. Lucky.
Raw faith.. eternal vigil.. magical inclination. I've heard it all. And none of it helps.
I've not been blessed from birth. My faith has always been. My vigil over the innocent is unwavering. My elf blood gives me natural magic talent. Yet it eludes me.. perhaps until now.
The elf I sparred with provided an answer even I didn't expect. I asked him what the Light felt like to him. He said it was but a distant hand on his pauldron at the start. Then he said he felt whole. Empowered by the Light's justice. Whole.
Something I haven't felt.
I asked him for advice to a certain somebody who may not feel the initial warmth.
"If you seek the light, don't give up. The light abandons you when you abandon it. Be at peace with yourself and when you finally feel confident and trust in the light you will feel it, do not force it - but ask for it."
I have always trusted the Light. I've always prayed for it. Asked for it.
<The following sentence is scribbled out, making it hard to read, if not impossible.>
But maybe I've never trusted myself.