I have often wondered if I have made the right choices in life. Perhaps I should have listened to mother more when she told me not to play in the rain. Perhaps father had been right, and following Thomas down to the river to chase frogs downstream wasn’t a good idea for a girl like me. It matters not in the end, I suppose. What’s done is done.
I wonder if I should have stayed in Boralus, or perhaps gone to study with the sea priests. The loss of my voice had already torn a hole in my relationship with my family, and despite their pleased reactions and well wishes upon me expressing my dream to go to Dalaran to learn, I cannot help but feel it was simply to get me out of the house. They sent few letters, and I had few reasons to return home. But alas, what’s done is done.
I have a younger brother. They spoke of him to me in a letter. Father was proud, someone to carry on the family business. Mother was disappointed that she could not use the clothing she had saved from me, but was happy to have a child to dote on. I returned home that year for a brief visit, and I believed that is when we reconnected. Our strained relationships grew better, all over a baby. Ridiculous. Yet I will not complain, what’s done is done.
Much has happened since that time. I have come to realize that this disability is both a blessing and a curse. While some are willing to accept the means with which I must communicate, and will go lengths to keep me involved in conversations… there are just as many, if not more, who simply block me out. They speak over my written tongue, they ignore my illusions and turn their backs on me when I make simple requests. But what’s done is done.
I have a new family, if I may call them that. The Eagles are an interesting group, full of people from all walks of life. Many warriors, with a small grouping of us magi. It’s close knit, and everyone has been more than accommodating when it comes to me, though I worry sometimes that it is a bit tiring to them, no one has complained as of yet. But time will tell.
There are a few that I find interesting above the rest, though I won’t name names - should I ever accidentally leave this laying around and someone gets a little too interested. I am happy to have the chance to foster relationships with them, and see what heights we can reach together. That being said, I am wary as well, for there are powers at work that easily corrupt, and I worry that the temptation may one day grow. But we shall see.
Erin glances up from her writing, half paying attention to the gathering that was occurring around her. It was a simple social gathering, but one that she cherished for she was able to spend time with her fellow Eagles while everyone was relaxed and in cheery moods. It was Pilgrim’s Bounty soon, and it had been some time since she had been able to spend it with a group that she considered friends. Or..mostly friends, a few of them still seemed to hold back when speaking to her, but she would break them down yet.
A ghost of a smile flitted over her features briefly, before she returned to her writing. It was looking like any other journal entry to her, nothing special… nothing to show the change she felt going on within her. Yet how to express that in writing, in thought? She had spoken with the Eagle’s only druid the other evening, he had shown her something fantastic. Briefly given her the gift of something she thought never to hold within her grasp...but as quickly as it was returned, it was wrenched from her hands, reminding her how cruel fate could truly be. Her brow creases as she twirls her pen around her index finger, before snapping it back to the page and continuing.
I complain more often than not, I feel, but that is not entirely who I am. I may be an awful mess of emotions at times, but I cannot let that pierce my public facade. I am thankful for all I have gone through, that allows me to maintain such an image for I feel it has saved me more than once.
A line of ink trails across the page, idle doodles of a few of the Eagles line the edges of the page, a very crudely drawn outline of Shindo’s helm with a turkey’s tail splayed out behind it the only thing she seemed to have put effort into.
Thankful. A word that gets passed around quite a bit this time of year. People are thankful for their families, thankful for friends and for careers. Many are thankful for their lives, and many are thankful for second chances that their gods have given them. Gold, food, magic, all sorts of things are tossed about, and it seems like a contest of sorts to one-up your friends. To proclaim to the world that you are the most thankful, and others should respect you for that.
Silly traditions like that, are what make these holidays enjoyable. People are honest about what they are thankful for, and while it may seem like bragging rights in the end, they all mean what they say. After all, what is the point in lying about something you appreciate? We care about what others are thankful for, and in turn they are thankful for that. For us.
So I guess the question comes down to what am I thankful for? Of course my family, despite our problems. My studies, my new friends, everything that I have faced in life. The trials, that have molded me into who I am. The failures that have taught me improvement, and that it is quite alright to not be perfect. But I suppose that is still not being true to myself.
In the end, I often wonder if it is the right choice. To admit I am thankful for it. It would be a much different life, a different set of trials and rituals I would have undergone. Perhaps I would have no sibling, perhaps I never would have ventured for to Dalaran… Perhaps I never would have joined the Eagles, and felt at home in such a short time period.
Perhaps I am wrong.
Yet, I must admit to it, as angry as it may make me, as odd as it would seem to some, and I doubt they may ever understand my reasoning…
I am thankful for the loss of my voice.
It has caused me to see the world in a new light, to venture forth and seek new solutions to problems that others before me have overcome...that others behind me will seek to defeat.
I would not be the same person I am today, had I not been forced into many of the situations I was while I grew, nor would I have the appreciation I do for the simple things in life. I would not be the Erin that many of my comrades know, and that they seem to appreciate having around.
That is what I am thankful for… I hope that one day when I look back at this, if I show this to those I consider my dearest friends, that they understand. That I still understand how this feels.
What’s done is done, may be a statement that I have lived by in the past. But it need not have a negative connotation, for I am thankful for what has happened. It has made me… me. I would not want it any other way.